Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
