I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize