I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
