there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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