they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
