in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
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