I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
