I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
