he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
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