when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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