i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
