You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
