There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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