I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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