Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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