I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Randomize
