SEEEEXXX PLEASE
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
