Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
