So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
