You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize