I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
