just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
