Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I smell stomach acid.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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