I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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