Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
