Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize