No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize