I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
