The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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