Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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