Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
