omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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