just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
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