You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Cover your peen. We're going out.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
