So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
