I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
