My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Randomize
