I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
