I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
