I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He shit in the fireplace
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
