guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
