maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
