He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize