i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
