Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
