the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
