the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Randomize
