Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
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