i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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