next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize