I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
