I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
