I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
