i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
