Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
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