dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I got inside last night via doggy door
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
