I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
And then he peed in my hair
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