why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
